The Final Ride of Broqueric Martinez: Part 2

When last we left our three cabalaros they had hatched such a devious and wiley prank that no man or woman could deny the michevious nature of it. I know that doesn't sound very devious or wiley, but you must read on, dear reader. Read on!

Ext. The gym at Gulf Coast Christian Youth Camp outside Columbus, Texas. A doorway leads to the men's lodging. BRODY, EURIC, and KEVIN are huddled together at the edge of the gym where the cement meets the grass. EURIC is visually anxious to get the plan underway. KEVIN is jumping up and down, beating his chest. BRODY is looking around with not a clue as to what is going on. A bucket full of water balloons and a small satchel lay at the boys' feet.

EURIC
Has everyone got their knee high socks for deflecting the stings of the high grass?

KEVIN
What's up! What's up! You want some of this, girls cabin? Huh? Huh? That's right! That's right! It is so on!

EURIC is rummaging through baggage

EURIC
Do we have flashlights? Let's see...Extra batteries. We need extra batteries.

KEVIN
We don't need no extra batteries, dawg! Come on, Yo! Get crunk up in here! Get crunk!

KEVIN throws his chest against EURIC, but EURIC just pushes KEVIN away toward BRODY

KEVIN
What's up, man? You ready for this? Dun-dun-dun, dun-dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun.....

KEVIN starts dancing over to BRODY pushing him around while singing the tune to "Get Ready for This" by the Clubmix. BRODY freaks out in hysterics. He speaks loudly.

BRODY
Holy moley! Oh, man! You freaked me out!

KEVIN
What's up man? Can't take it? Can't stand the fi-ya!

BRODY
When did you guys get here? I've been waiting for, like, 20 minutes.

EURIC
Brody, we've been here for twenty minutes planning the attack.

BRODY
What? Your lips are moving, but nothing is coming out.

KEVIN picks up a water balloon and busts it on BRODY's ear.

BRODY
Whhaaahhh! Ow! That hurt.

EURIC
Can you hear me now?

BRODY
Good.

EURIC
You can hear me?

BRODY
Sure, now that your speaking up, I can hear you.

EURIC reaches over and takes some white foam from BRODY'S ear

EURIC
Shaving cream.

KEVIN
Are you sure it's not whipped cream?

KEVIN takes some shaving cream from BRODY'S ear and tastes it

KEVIN
Bleaahh! That is not whipped cream!

BRODY
Are you sure?

BRODY takes some shaving cream from his own ear and tastes

BRODY
Ah! That is awful.

KEVIN
Told you.

EURIC
Brody, why is your ear filled with shaving cream.

MATTEAU
I'll tell you why.

BRODY, KEVIN, and EURIC POV. An older gentleman with an Italian accent, MATTEAU, steps out of the shadows as the boys cower.

BRODY, KEVIN, and EURIC
(Whispering) Don Matteau, Don Matteau, Don Matteau...etc.

MATTEAU
You can call me Don.

MATTEAU approaches BRODY

MATTEAU
Bonasera... Bonasera.

BRODY cowers in fear and cry begins

MATTEAU
You could act like a man.

Slaps BRODY

MATTEAU
What's the matter with you? Is this what you've become, some Hollywood finnochio that cries like a woman?

Mocking BRODY

Oh, Godfather, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

BRODY
Don Matteau, forgive me.

BRODY kisses MATTEAU's hand until MATTEAU drops the accent, pulling his hand away.

MATTEAU
Dude! What are you doing.

EURIC
Don Matt...

MATTEAU
That was from the Godfather. Good, huh?

KEVIN
Excellent!

MATTEAU picks up BRODY

MATTEAU
Stand up and tell them why you've got shaving cream in your ear.

BRODY
But, I...

MATTEAU
Tell him!

BRODY
The older guys grabbed me in the middle of the night while I was still in my sleeping bag. They bungie corded me to the pillar of the gym and squirted shaving cream all over me. I was so embarassed.

MATTEAU laughs hysterically.

EURIC
Brilliant.

KEVIN
Absolute genious.

MATTEAU
Thank you.

EURIC
I remember that, Brody. It was last year.

KEVIN
You've had shaving cream in your ear all year?

BRODY
It's been a rough year.

KEVIN
So, wait...was that you?

MATTEAU
It was me. It was all me! Well, me and some other guys. So funny, huh?

EURIC
Well, we could really use your expertese, Matteau. Please, we need you.

KEVIN
Please, Don Matteau.

MATTEAU reverts to his Godfather impression.

MATTEAU
Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as gift on my daughter's wedding day.

The others give looks of great confusion.

MATTEAU
Yes. I'll help. That means I'll help. It's also from The Godfather.

BRODY, EURIC, and KEVIN
Oohhh.

Two young boys enter,TIMMY and RONNY

RONNY
So, Kevin. Can we come.

KEVIN
Oh yeah, which of the kids are we going to bring?

EURIC
Well, boys, we've given it much consideration and we still don't know.

MATTEAU
What's this?

KEVIN
We're going to allow three boys to join our ranks as Junior Broqeric Martinez members so that one day they may take over the reigns of tomfoolery.

MATTEAU
How many kids are supposed to be involved in this?

EURIC pulls out a clipboard.

EURIC
Well we interviewed them all. All the ones who are here at least. We had a number of quality candidates...

MATTEAU
"What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men." Cool Hand Luke, 1967. What I want to know is how many of these little pipsqeeks are going to be tagging along tonight?

EURIC
We were going to choose three.

MATTEAU
Three? No. Two.

EURIC
No, three!

MATTEAU
"You know, Zeke, I am the authority figure here, it's time you realized that." The Faculty, 1998

EURIC
You can't do that! This is our beat and you want to come in here and push us around? Well, we didn't gain our reputation on whims and fansies. It took sweat and blood and sometimes urine, and we made it here on our own and we can continue on our own.

MATTEAU
I think you need to watch yourself, soldier! Do you know who you're talking to?

BRODY
Why don't y'all just relax?

MATTEAU
"Don't you tell me to relax! You're an E4. I'm a full bird colonel! You don't talk to me like that. You understand, soldier?" Buffalo Soldiers, 2001.

KEVIN
Why don't we just take Ronny and Timmy here? They've already heard us talking about the plan.

EURIC
That's fine with me. Brody?

BRODY
I don't have an opinion.

EURIC
Will that be okay, Matteau?

MATTEAU
"Smart I like. Smart aleck, I don't!" Raw Deal, 1986.

KEVIN
So it's settled. You guys are our new Broqeric Martinezes in training.

TIMMY and RONNY
Yeah!

One by one, another young boys steps out of the shadows.

BOY 1
What about me?

BOY 2
What about me?

BOY 3
And me?

BOY 4
And me?

This continues until soon EURIC, KEVIN, and BRODY are surrounded by boys all clamoring for status

BRODY
Oh, boy!

MATTEAU
Quantum Leap.

Ext. A large pile of bricks adjacent to a building. EURIC, KEVIN, and BRODY are setting up to launch water balloons. A crowd of Jr. High Boys are looking anxiously on, some are getting in the way. MATTEAU sits on the pile of bricks, clipping his nails. BOY ONE picks up a water balloon and begins tossing it around to his buddies

EURIC
Give me that!

BOY 1
But...

EURIC
But, but, but! Shut up, just shut up! This was such a bad idea.

RONNY is playing with a water balloon

EURIC
Hey get away from there! Kevin, get your brother out of there.

KEVIN
He's not hurting anything.

The balloon bursts

RONNY
Whoops. Sorry.

EURIC
See? This was a bad idea. Really bad.

BRODY
At least we didn't have to carry anything.

EURIC
Yeah, one bucket and a rubberband is real tough.

KEVIN
Come on, come on. Isn't it ready yet?

EURIC
Just about. There. Now, Kevin, you and I will hold the handles and Brody, you will load the launcher and pull back and let go.

BRODY
Got it. (pause.) Isn't there anything else?

EURIC
No, that's basically it.

BRODY
Got it.

MATTEAU
Aren't you going to check for wind resistance and atmospheric conditions?

EURIC
Why should we?

MATTEAU
That's what I would have done in my day.

EURIC
Whatever. All right! Let's do this!

KEVIN
Yeah, baby! What's up? What's up?

KEVIN and EURIC grab the handles of the water balloon launcher as BRODY loads the first balloon.

BRODY
Here we go. Ready?

EURIC and KEVIN
Ready!

BRODY pulls back and launches a balloon

TIMMY
It missed!

EURIC
Who asked you?

MATTEAU
Well, it did miss.

EURIC
I can see that. Try another one aim higher. I think it was too angled down.

BRODY loads and launches another balloon

BOYS
Ahhhh....

EURIC
Direct hit!

KEVIN
Take that you shingled punk!

MATTEAU
Nice. Very nice. Do another.

BRODY loads and launches another.

KEVIN
Yea-yah!

BRODY, EURIC and KEVIN continue to launch balloon after balloon which pretty soon turns into a very convincing "montage" complete with shots of the females coming out of their cabin to see what was the matter and silent (or MOV) shots of MATTEAU laughing sinisterly.

Ext. The same pile of bricks. A water balloon has just burst on the cabin and the crowd cheers.

BRODY
Hooray!

EURIC
Huzah!

BRODY
Hip-hip,...

ALL
Hooray!

All Laugh.

KEVIN
Can I get a "what, what?"

Silence. Finally, MATTEAU breaks in

MATTEAU
How many are left?

BRODY
Only one.

EURIC
Just one? Wow. That was a powerful montage.

BRODY
I'll say.

MATTEAU
Well, if there is only one water balloon left you must make it count. Make it count.

EURIC
Well what should we do?

KEVIN
I know!

BRODY, EURIC, and MATTEAU
What is it? What? Tell us. etc....

KEVIN
A puntar a la ventana!

BRODY
What does that mean?

KEVIN
Aim for the window!

EURIC
I thought you didn't know Spanish

KEVIN
I don't.

MATTEAU
Nevermind, this is excellent. A puntar a la vintanna (pronounces tanna like "span" or "dan")

KEVIN
No, no. Tahnna. It's "a la vintanna" with an ah, ah, ah sound.

MATTEAU
Tahnna, tahnna. Ah, ah.

KEVIN
Right. Use the long A sound.

EURIC
Brody! Load the launcher!

BRODY
Yes, sir!

BRODY loads the water balloon launcher and pulls back hard. MATTEAU speaks like an old 1800s western coot.

MATTEAU
You gotta get out there, son. I got $20 gold bet on you, so don't let me down. (Pause.) It's the old guy in the saloon from Back to the Future. The third one.

EURIC
A puntar a la ventana!

EVERYONE ELSE
A puntar a la ventana!

BRODY releases the final water balloon and...

TO BE CONTINUED!

The Final Ride of Broqueric Martinez: Part 1

Chad Nall (friend, minister, Kinsmen) gave an account of one of his escapades in juvenile delinquency in a recent blog entry. This has encouraged me to reveal something that I've probably never told anyone.**

I am Broqeric Martinez! (to be said with a Spanish accent)

I am not alone, mind you. Broqeric Martinez is actually a triumvirate of mischief and mayhem funded, guided and supported by yet another, supposedly wiser, older gentleman. The three of us who made up Broqeric Martinez would ride the fields of Columbus, Tejas pillaging and plundering the local folk, taking nothing but leaving much more than a legacy behind.

Our attacks from the dark of the night were legendary in, not only Central Texas, but Oklahoma as well. We were a whirlwind of terror and frustration that would leave the gentlest of camp administration writhing their gym towel in irritation.

Until one day...

The following is a dramatic interpretation of actual events. The names have been changed to sound cooler.

Int. A dark room. There are two figures under a hanging lamp that just barely illuminates their faces. They are two young men named EURIC and KEVIN.

EURIC
I'm glad we met Kevin. We have much discuss.

KEVIN
Indeed, we do, Kevin.

EURIC
But, you're Kevin.

KEVIN
Oh?

EURIC
You didn't get the memo?

KEVIN
You know, I did, but I couldn't make it out.

EURIC
It was in Aramaic.

KEVIN
That's what it was. I only speak Russian and Mandarin Chinese.

EURIC
And English.

KEVIN
Of course.

EURIC
And, we've gotten off topic. Let's try to focus. We've got a gig coming up and I want this one to go smooth. Not like that last debacle in the Red Oaks.

KEVIN
That was messy. Sometimes I think I can still feel Pop Rocks in my rectum.

EURIC
I don't really want to talk about it. But I do want to plan what this next one should look like. Here I've drawn out a sketch.

EURIC hands a spiral notebook to KEVIN who turns the notebook every which way trying to make heads or tails of it.

KEVIN
Is this more Aramaic?

EURIC
Let me see.

EURIC takes the note book from KEVIN

EURIC
Sorry, that's my calculus homework. Here.

EURIC turns some pages and hands the notebook back over to KEVIN

KEVIN
Ahh. Ahhhhhhh! Oooohoohoo! Ahhaaah! HA, HA, HA!

KEVIN and EURIC both erupt into a sinister and revealing laugh that fills the room. It is stopped by a much brighter light being turned on behind KEVIN. The laughing stops abruptly.

Eurasia POV. A younger boy with a bright naiveÃe smile and wide eyes is standing next to the light switch. His name is BRODY and he is sipping a "Big Gulp" and speaks in a loud voice.

BRODY
Hey guys, it's dark in here. Why don't y'all turn on some lights.

EURIC
Geez, Brody! Will you keep it down. My grandma's asleep in the next room. She can see the light through the crack under her door.

BRODY
Oh, sorry! Should I...

GRANDMA'S voice is heard from behind KEVIN

GRANDMA
Eric!

EURIC
It's Euric, Grandma!

GRANDMA
Whatever! Is that you making a ruckus in there.

EURIC
Sorry, Grandma!

GRANDMA
I can see the light from under the door.

EURIC
(to BRODY, in a whisper)Turn it off, turn it off!

BRODY flips off the light switch and it returns to the way it was before.

EURIC
Sorry, Grandma!

GRANDMA
Is that Kevin in there.

KEVIN
Hi, Grandma.

GRANDMA
Hiya,sweetiey! Kevin, feel free to whatever's in the fridge, dear.

KEVIN
Thanks, Grandma.

GRANDMA
Eric, when your finished playing, can you bring me the Calamine lotion?

EURIC
Euric, Grandma. And, we...Okay!

GRANDMA
Keep it down now.

KEVIN, EURIC, and BRODY
Yes, Grandma.

BRODY pulls a chair up next to KEVIN under the low light, once again.

EURIC
Thanks a bunch, Brody.

BRODY
Sorry, I didn't know.

EURIC
Okay, forget about it. Let's just get back to business. Brody, these are the plans for the next job over at the Gulf Coast Encampment during the Annual Spring Retreat.

EURIC hands BRODY the spiral notebook

BRODY
Calculous?

EURIC
No, here.

EURIC flips the notebook over

BRODY
This is good. This is real good. Do you think that it might be a little too good?

KEVIN
What does that mean?

EURIC
If we execute this plan just as Matteau hasprescribedd, it can't go wrong. I've taken the liberty adding my own flavor for a reallyinterestingg touch. As we arebecomingg aged and weather-worn, it shall soon behoove us to train others to replace us.

KEVIN
Replace Broqeric Martinez? Never!

EURIC
Yes. Do we wish our legacy to live on. Should we fade into society as an unknown, forever forgotten dream. Or would you rather the legend live on. Become..Legendaryy, even. Through those who came before us we rode on the wings of glory to newheightss of mischief. In that same way we shall gather the budding pranksters and teach them the ways of Broqeric Martinez. I dare not leave them to their own devises to besmirch the quality craftsmanship with which we have smeared annoyance across the land.

KEVIN
Well, when you put it like that...

BRODY
I'm in. So what are what's your plan?

EURIC
We make it known among the little'uns that Broqeric Martinez shall be admitting not one, not two, yea, threesaplingss to water and nurture as apprentices until they are ready to take over the reigns of the moniker itself.

KEVIN
Then it's settled, I guess. We've decided we will launch water balloons at the girls cabin, and we're going to bring a couple of squirts along with us.

BRODY
Neeto!

EURIC
Come on, guys. Can't you make it sound more mysterious?

KEVIN and BRODY think for a minute.

KEVIN
I've got it. A puntar a la ventana!

TO BE CONTINUED...

**Not true. I tell anyone within earshot when I get a chance.

"The Religious Right is Flexing It's Might...."

(Clap, clap, clap, clap)

"Deep in the heart of Texas!"

Yesterday, while watching the local news something happened that rarely happens while watching the local news. I was given actual, relevant information that I cared about. And, in hearing this information I was struck by something even more rare for a show that generally seems lame and pointless, I was filled with two strong emotions. Those emotions were sadness and anger, two emotions that frequently accompany each other. The reason for these emotions was the passing of Proposition 2, a constitutional ammendment prohibitting the recognition of anything resembling a marriage when two people of the same sex are involved. The law already states that gay marriage is illegal.

What made me mad wasn't so much the fact that it passed. I thought that it might. What frustrated me was generally two things: That it passed by such a large margin (76%, 24%) and that I didn't vote myself.

As far as Proposition 2 passing, I'm not surprised. Texas is a conservative state and is increasingly voting along the Republican party line. But the fact that 75% of the people in Texas are so vehemently opposed to gays, not just gay marriage, that they will make it double illegal is disappointing and disheartening.

Texas is a great state. The people are friendly, curteous, and open. They will welcome any and all outsiders and keep them well fed and entertained. Texans are some genuine, kind people.

Unless you are gay or lesbian.

I can't imagine why someone would go out of their way to go vote for this amendment. The only people who have something to gain or loose in this election was the gays. On the one hand, Republicans within the Texas Government knew that this bill would pass. There was no way that they would have created and sponsored this bill unless they were absolutely confident of it passing. Imagine if it had been denied. It would essentially have been saying that Texas is okay with gay marriage and legalization of it wouldn't have been far behind. So in this way Texas Republicans were taking a slight risk by holding such an election. Why introduce the ammendment at all? Are Texans afraid of gay marriage being overturned in our state of conservative judges and rednecks?

Could it be that Texas lawmakers want to make it more difficult in the future to interpret laws as unconstitutional with regard to this issue? Future legaliztion of gay marriage isn't really a fear unless the state of Texas, whether it be lawmakers or citizens, decide later on that it should be legalized. At this point we will legalize gay marriage whether we have to get it out of the constitution or not. Essentially, the lawmakers of today are just giving the lawmakers of tomorrow more paperwork. The trend of society is to become more lenient and tolerant of others, giving our shrinking global community. It seems that those who came up with this ammendment realize that sooner or later, Texas is going to want to change the law to allow gay marriage. They are just being assholes by creating more hoops to jump through.

Which brings me to my next point. What kind of jackass would go out of his way to deny a right from another person. Well, the Ku Klux Klan made their presence known in Austin yesterday. They certainly want to take a stand on this issue.

But, what about the typical, non-hatefilled Texan who just simply finds the homosexual lifestyle to be sinful. Surely they don't hate gays but hate the act, right? Hate the sin, but love the sinner, and all that jazz. What could possibly compell a person like this to push for an amendment to the constitution to ban a practice that is already banned. Aside from the aforementioned likelyhood that if this ammendment was rejected legalizing gay marriage was next, I can't think of any reason. All this ammendment serves to do is further widen the socialogical gap between gays and mainstream culture. It is a slap in the face to gays, plain and simple. It is mainstream Texans saying to a minority, "We don't just oppose your lifestyle, we oppose you." What happened to loving the sinner?

Maybe you truly don't hate the sinner, then why vote for this rediculous bill? Did you vote on principle? It's as if any opportunity to show the world you are a Bible-thumping Christian can't just pass on by. The WWJD t-shirts and horribly cheesy bumper stickers aren't enough anymore, apperently. And, far be it from anyone within the fundamentalist Christian community to actually try acting like Christ!

Some might be wondering why I care so much, being that I'm not gay, and if gays or lesbians in Texas really wanted to get married, they wouldn't live in Texas. Besides, I didn't even vote. Well, I intended on voting, but actually thought the election was Thursday, completely forgetting the whole "Tuesday following the first Monday of November" thing. And, afterall this change doesn't really change anything, which we've already been over.

Then I started thinking, do I really want to vote on such an ammendment when I know it's going to pass, but also, in voting I'm validating the governments right to put such a vote on the ballot. The issue isn't really the legalization of gay marriage, while I would vote for legalization if the occasion arrose. It was about banning an already banned practice. I am primarily opposed to the proposition being on the ballot to begin with, not so much whether it should be legal. I guess what I'm so angry about is that 75% of the people of Texas don't have this small little chip of logic in their brains to allow them to realize that this proposition was inheritly defunct in the first place. Now, I don't want to pass judgement on everyone, because I don't understand the motives or reasoning behind every Texan's vote (which is why I don't pretend to pass judgement on homosexuals, by the way), but the truth is, I don't really believe that they are missing the logic, I think they just don't care. I think that the people who created and voted to approve this ammendment simply wanted another platform on which to shout their own self-righteousness. I may be wrong but that is what I truly believe. It was irresponsible, foolish and hateful to have such a change left to the general population. If you don't like the idea of gay marriage, then guys, don't marry a man! And ladies, don't marry a freakin' lady!

Matt Foreman, executive director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force made a really good point:

"When you put a fundamental right of a minority up for popular vote, it's almost impossible to win. I'm not sure the right to desegregate schools, the freedom to marry another race or even access to contraception in many states would exist if those issues were put up for a vote."

I may have to rant about this issue again, but I think this entry is long enough. Thanks for your time.

Life is Silly

In my previous post I mentioned that I like movies with "heart and a dark, morbid undertone." To further expand on this description I enjoy movies that deal with real human emotion and can take a light hearted look at the things that we tend to take way too seriously in real life. Like death or romantic relationships. I tend to review two movies soon that I feel exemplified these criteria quite well. I mentioned that I was looking for a movie to watch while Amanda was at Wicked with a friend. I ended up watching 4 hours of "I love the 80s in 3-D." Leaving me with the suspicion that the 80s really were very rediculous and not to be taken seriously. If you consider the fact that there has been an "I love the 70s" "90s" and two other "I Love the 80s" volumes we see that the world hasn't been taken seriously since the 60s. And the 80s were the silliest decade of all, garnering three chapters. Granted, the decade was longer than the others, having one more leap year within the decade (3 as opposed to 2), but it does seem to have been quite a bit sillier than either the 70s or 90s, and therefore deserving of all three "I Love the 80s" episodes. Given the show "Best Week Ever" is such a hit, I think it is safe to say that we don't take ourselves much more serious now, even with the world seeming to crash in around us.

UPDATE: just to clarify, the 80s sucked. Not awesome, or totally tubular. They sucked. I was cool, but that was about it.