The Final Ride of Broqueric Martinez: Part 2

When last we left our three cabalaros they had hatched such a devious and wiley prank that no man or woman could deny the michevious nature of it. I know that doesn't sound very devious or wiley, but you must read on, dear reader. Read on!

Ext. The gym at Gulf Coast Christian Youth Camp outside Columbus, Texas. A doorway leads to the men's lodging. BRODY, EURIC, and KEVIN are huddled together at the edge of the gym where the cement meets the grass. EURIC is visually anxious to get the plan underway. KEVIN is jumping up and down, beating his chest. BRODY is looking around with not a clue as to what is going on. A bucket full of water balloons and a small satchel lay at the boys' feet.

EURIC
Has everyone got their knee high socks for deflecting the stings of the high grass?

KEVIN
What's up! What's up! You want some of this, girls cabin? Huh? Huh? That's right! That's right! It is so on!

EURIC is rummaging through baggage

EURIC
Do we have flashlights? Let's see...Extra batteries. We need extra batteries.

KEVIN
We don't need no extra batteries, dawg! Come on, Yo! Get crunk up in here! Get crunk!

KEVIN throws his chest against EURIC, but EURIC just pushes KEVIN away toward BRODY

KEVIN
What's up, man? You ready for this? Dun-dun-dun, dun-dun, dun, dun-dun-dun-dun, dun-dun.....

KEVIN starts dancing over to BRODY pushing him around while singing the tune to "Get Ready for This" by the Clubmix. BRODY freaks out in hysterics. He speaks loudly.

BRODY
Holy moley! Oh, man! You freaked me out!

KEVIN
What's up man? Can't take it? Can't stand the fi-ya!

BRODY
When did you guys get here? I've been waiting for, like, 20 minutes.

EURIC
Brody, we've been here for twenty minutes planning the attack.

BRODY
What? Your lips are moving, but nothing is coming out.

KEVIN picks up a water balloon and busts it on BRODY's ear.

BRODY
Whhaaahhh! Ow! That hurt.

EURIC
Can you hear me now?

BRODY
Good.

EURIC
You can hear me?

BRODY
Sure, now that your speaking up, I can hear you.

EURIC reaches over and takes some white foam from BRODY'S ear

EURIC
Shaving cream.

KEVIN
Are you sure it's not whipped cream?

KEVIN takes some shaving cream from BRODY'S ear and tastes it

KEVIN
Bleaahh! That is not whipped cream!

BRODY
Are you sure?

BRODY takes some shaving cream from his own ear and tastes

BRODY
Ah! That is awful.

KEVIN
Told you.

EURIC
Brody, why is your ear filled with shaving cream.

MATTEAU
I'll tell you why.

BRODY, KEVIN, and EURIC POV. An older gentleman with an Italian accent, MATTEAU, steps out of the shadows as the boys cower.

BRODY, KEVIN, and EURIC
(Whispering) Don Matteau, Don Matteau, Don Matteau...etc.

MATTEAU
You can call me Don.

MATTEAU approaches BRODY

MATTEAU
Bonasera... Bonasera.

BRODY cowers in fear and cry begins

MATTEAU
You could act like a man.

Slaps BRODY

MATTEAU
What's the matter with you? Is this what you've become, some Hollywood finnochio that cries like a woman?

Mocking BRODY

Oh, Godfather, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

BRODY
Don Matteau, forgive me.

BRODY kisses MATTEAU's hand until MATTEAU drops the accent, pulling his hand away.

MATTEAU
Dude! What are you doing.

EURIC
Don Matt...

MATTEAU
That was from the Godfather. Good, huh?

KEVIN
Excellent!

MATTEAU picks up BRODY

MATTEAU
Stand up and tell them why you've got shaving cream in your ear.

BRODY
But, I...

MATTEAU
Tell him!

BRODY
The older guys grabbed me in the middle of the night while I was still in my sleeping bag. They bungie corded me to the pillar of the gym and squirted shaving cream all over me. I was so embarassed.

MATTEAU laughs hysterically.

EURIC
Brilliant.

KEVIN
Absolute genious.

MATTEAU
Thank you.

EURIC
I remember that, Brody. It was last year.

KEVIN
You've had shaving cream in your ear all year?

BRODY
It's been a rough year.

KEVIN
So, wait...was that you?

MATTEAU
It was me. It was all me! Well, me and some other guys. So funny, huh?

EURIC
Well, we could really use your expertese, Matteau. Please, we need you.

KEVIN
Please, Don Matteau.

MATTEAU reverts to his Godfather impression.

MATTEAU
Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as gift on my daughter's wedding day.

The others give looks of great confusion.

MATTEAU
Yes. I'll help. That means I'll help. It's also from The Godfather.

BRODY, EURIC, and KEVIN
Oohhh.

Two young boys enter,TIMMY and RONNY

RONNY
So, Kevin. Can we come.

KEVIN
Oh yeah, which of the kids are we going to bring?

EURIC
Well, boys, we've given it much consideration and we still don't know.

MATTEAU
What's this?

KEVIN
We're going to allow three boys to join our ranks as Junior Broqeric Martinez members so that one day they may take over the reigns of tomfoolery.

MATTEAU
How many kids are supposed to be involved in this?

EURIC pulls out a clipboard.

EURIC
Well we interviewed them all. All the ones who are here at least. We had a number of quality candidates...

MATTEAU
"What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men." Cool Hand Luke, 1967. What I want to know is how many of these little pipsqeeks are going to be tagging along tonight?

EURIC
We were going to choose three.

MATTEAU
Three? No. Two.

EURIC
No, three!

MATTEAU
"You know, Zeke, I am the authority figure here, it's time you realized that." The Faculty, 1998

EURIC
You can't do that! This is our beat and you want to come in here and push us around? Well, we didn't gain our reputation on whims and fansies. It took sweat and blood and sometimes urine, and we made it here on our own and we can continue on our own.

MATTEAU
I think you need to watch yourself, soldier! Do you know who you're talking to?

BRODY
Why don't y'all just relax?

MATTEAU
"Don't you tell me to relax! You're an E4. I'm a full bird colonel! You don't talk to me like that. You understand, soldier?" Buffalo Soldiers, 2001.

KEVIN
Why don't we just take Ronny and Timmy here? They've already heard us talking about the plan.

EURIC
That's fine with me. Brody?

BRODY
I don't have an opinion.

EURIC
Will that be okay, Matteau?

MATTEAU
"Smart I like. Smart aleck, I don't!" Raw Deal, 1986.

KEVIN
So it's settled. You guys are our new Broqeric Martinezes in training.

TIMMY and RONNY
Yeah!

One by one, another young boys steps out of the shadows.

BOY 1
What about me?

BOY 2
What about me?

BOY 3
And me?

BOY 4
And me?

This continues until soon EURIC, KEVIN, and BRODY are surrounded by boys all clamoring for status

BRODY
Oh, boy!

MATTEAU
Quantum Leap.

Ext. A large pile of bricks adjacent to a building. EURIC, KEVIN, and BRODY are setting up to launch water balloons. A crowd of Jr. High Boys are looking anxiously on, some are getting in the way. MATTEAU sits on the pile of bricks, clipping his nails. BOY ONE picks up a water balloon and begins tossing it around to his buddies

EURIC
Give me that!

BOY 1
But...

EURIC
But, but, but! Shut up, just shut up! This was such a bad idea.

RONNY is playing with a water balloon

EURIC
Hey get away from there! Kevin, get your brother out of there.

KEVIN
He's not hurting anything.

The balloon bursts

RONNY
Whoops. Sorry.

EURIC
See? This was a bad idea. Really bad.

BRODY
At least we didn't have to carry anything.

EURIC
Yeah, one bucket and a rubberband is real tough.

KEVIN
Come on, come on. Isn't it ready yet?

EURIC
Just about. There. Now, Kevin, you and I will hold the handles and Brody, you will load the launcher and pull back and let go.

BRODY
Got it. (pause.) Isn't there anything else?

EURIC
No, that's basically it.

BRODY
Got it.

MATTEAU
Aren't you going to check for wind resistance and atmospheric conditions?

EURIC
Why should we?

MATTEAU
That's what I would have done in my day.

EURIC
Whatever. All right! Let's do this!

KEVIN
Yeah, baby! What's up? What's up?

KEVIN and EURIC grab the handles of the water balloon launcher as BRODY loads the first balloon.

BRODY
Here we go. Ready?

EURIC and KEVIN
Ready!

BRODY pulls back and launches a balloon

TIMMY
It missed!

EURIC
Who asked you?

MATTEAU
Well, it did miss.

EURIC
I can see that. Try another one aim higher. I think it was too angled down.

BRODY loads and launches another balloon

BOYS
Ahhhh....

EURIC
Direct hit!

KEVIN
Take that you shingled punk!

MATTEAU
Nice. Very nice. Do another.

BRODY loads and launches another.

KEVIN
Yea-yah!

BRODY, EURIC and KEVIN continue to launch balloon after balloon which pretty soon turns into a very convincing "montage" complete with shots of the females coming out of their cabin to see what was the matter and silent (or MOV) shots of MATTEAU laughing sinisterly.

Ext. The same pile of bricks. A water balloon has just burst on the cabin and the crowd cheers.

BRODY
Hooray!

EURIC
Huzah!

BRODY
Hip-hip,...

ALL
Hooray!

All Laugh.

KEVIN
Can I get a "what, what?"

Silence. Finally, MATTEAU breaks in

MATTEAU
How many are left?

BRODY
Only one.

EURIC
Just one? Wow. That was a powerful montage.

BRODY
I'll say.

MATTEAU
Well, if there is only one water balloon left you must make it count. Make it count.

EURIC
Well what should we do?

KEVIN
I know!

BRODY, EURIC, and MATTEAU
What is it? What? Tell us. etc....

KEVIN
A puntar a la ventana!

BRODY
What does that mean?

KEVIN
Aim for the window!

EURIC
I thought you didn't know Spanish

KEVIN
I don't.

MATTEAU
Nevermind, this is excellent. A puntar a la vintanna (pronounces tanna like "span" or "dan")

KEVIN
No, no. Tahnna. It's "a la vintanna" with an ah, ah, ah sound.

MATTEAU
Tahnna, tahnna. Ah, ah.

KEVIN
Right. Use the long A sound.

EURIC
Brody! Load the launcher!

BRODY
Yes, sir!

BRODY loads the water balloon launcher and pulls back hard. MATTEAU speaks like an old 1800s western coot.

MATTEAU
You gotta get out there, son. I got $20 gold bet on you, so don't let me down. (Pause.) It's the old guy in the saloon from Back to the Future. The third one.

EURIC
A puntar a la ventana!

EVERYONE ELSE
A puntar a la ventana!

BRODY releases the final water balloon and...

TO BE CONTINUED!