What I want you to know. Which is everything.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Dollhouse of Deception

Had nothing else to post. I wrote this in response to a huge yellow doll house that has been plagueing my family as of late. I felt that it was post-worthy. Enjoy.


Ext. Night time. A dark overpass bridge on a remote highway.

Headlights are seen in the distance and soon approaches as a minivan. The minivan screeches to a halt in the middle of the overpass. A woman in her late 40s or early 50s (but but could definitely pass for 30s) exits the van and hurries around to the back hatch. She is looking around frantically. She opens the the hatch.

Woman's POV. A large yellow doll house in the back of the minivan

Dollhouse POV. Two large shadowy figures appear behind the woman.

FIGURE 1
Ma'am?

WOMAN (startled)
Goodness! You scared me! Don't do that!

FIGURE 1
My apologies.

FIGURE 2
Sorry.

WOMAN
You know what to do?

FIGURE 1
Yes, we're gonna take the doll.....

` WOMAN
Tut, tut, tut, tut! Are you crazy. Just a yes or no.

FIGURE 1
Yes, we know what to do.

FIGURE 2
What about the...you know.

WOMAN
Hey! You'll get what's coming to you. Just take care of what we discussed. Got it?

FIGURE 1
We got it.

FIGURE 2
We got it.

WOMAN
Good. Now, I'm just going to get back into my car and drive off. When I get home something should be gone from inside the back here, hear? And I shouldn't ever have to see that something again.

FIGURE 2
The money lady. Where's the money?

Woman forces a money purse into the hands of the Figure 2.

WOMAN
Here's the bread for your pudding! Now make momma a free woman again.

FIGURE 1
Is it all there?

FIGURE 2
Yeah. Let's do this.

The Woman scurries back to the driver side of the door.

Woman's POV. She sees in her rear view mirror the Shadowy Figures lifting the behemoth child's plaything out of the back of the minivan. One shadowy figure begins to close the hatch but before it is fully closed the Woman peels away.

Int. A minivan on the edge of a lonesome bridge.

Woman slows down and rolls down her window.

Woman's POV. She peers into the rearview mirror to witness the Shadowy Figures tossing the a large item off of the bridge. Large crashing sound and subsequent passing motorist's car horn is heard.

WOMAN
Down goes the neighborhood.

Ext. Shadowy Figure's POV. The minivan moves forward and eventually out of sight save for the faint glow of red tail lights in the distance.

The two Shadowy Figures walk forward into a beam of light revealing their faces. They are CHRISTOPHER LOWELL and MARTHA STEWART.

STEWART
You got the cash?

LOWELL
Uh, huuhh!

STEWART
You got the loot?

Martha and Christopher's POV. the yellow doll house in the back of a truck parked behind some bushes.

LOWELL
Uh, huuhhh!

Martha Stewart peers over the railing of the bridge.

STEWART
That big box of noisy crap never knew what it had coming.
LOWELL
Na-uuuhhh!

STEWART
It makes me sick. The master always said that when arts and crafts go under appreciated that the judgment is nigh. I never quite believed him until this day. A world without Victorian style art deco miniatures, built to scale isn't a world in which I want to live.

LOWEL
I think it's more of a Neo-Gothic....

STEWART
Shut up, Christopher.

LOWEL
AAh-aah.

Cue music. Cut to black. Roll credits.

THE END

Sreenplay by Kyle Martin

2 comments:

ML said...

This is so funny that I sent it to my Zchick friends. I got a response from the one that was in theater at ACU and she thought it was hilarious. I do too. But who is Christopher Lowel?
Mom

Jason said...

Mom,
Click here to find out about Christopher Lowell. Basically, he's another home decorating guru.