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Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Effects of Old Spice on the Human Condition

I detest the smell of Old Spice. It makes me sick. For years I've worn Old Spice High Endurance Fresh Scent deoderant, but my wife, bless her, accidentally bought the Original Scent awhile back. For about 6 or 7 months time it would sit in my cabinet, only seeing the light if I had run out of the good stuff. The days that I smelled like an old prospector were often wrought with headaches and nausea.

This went on for a while until recently I ran out of deoderant again and had to wear the original scent. I decided that this had gone on too long. I was so sick of my backup being the Old Spice smell that I decided it was time to get rid of this stick of deoderant. But, my OCD kicked in and I became incapable of throwing something away that is bought and paid for and perfectly good (if it's your bag). I decided that I had to use the stick completely up and then, and only then could I really go back to my beloved "Fresh" scent.

I've been thinking of this experiement as a sort of Lent. I'm giving up the smell of a young strapping young man for that of a 75 year old. Don't underestimate the significance of this sacrifice. While under the influence of Old Spice Smell (OSS)I have experience the above mentioned symptoms along with fatigue, confusion, diaharia, sorness, and liver spots. OSS is wrecking havoc on my immune system. Last week I wrote my congressman. I mean, this is getting serious. But I am determined to rid my cabinet of this tumor without resorting to wastefullness.

The mid morning sickness has stopped, but I've been tired and cranky and complain about the post office a lot. I kind of think I can feel my blatter shrinking and my libido is disapearing. I feel like Morgan Spurlock. Damn. I should have cashed in on this experiment.


Anonymous said...

How about we take up a collection to buy you the fresh scent and then the original scent stick mysteriously disappears?


Jason said...

When I smell Old Spice, I don't think of an old man. For some reason, I think of a late middle age, overweight businessman. The kind who is relatively unsuccessful, but keeps plugging along in his work-a-day job, despite his creepiness and general unlikable nature. Like Willy Lowman meets Dick Cheney. (In fact, I'm surprised that Cheney doesn't demand a fresh bottle of OS in his hotel rooms, along with his Fox News.)

Mo said...

Ha ha ha! Kyle, you are a hoot. I say just give up the ghost and toss it. But I admire your tenacity.

Anonymous said...

Kyle smells like my daddy! - Rozie

ML said...

Okay, this is you mom speaking. TOSS THE OS FOR GOODNESS SAKE and your health. It's not worth it. I'll buy you some new deordorant. Okay?

Who raised you to be so frugal?